Reprisals

I had intended to close this blog down for a while after VLM. Afterall, I had only started it to help follow my marathon journey, surely it should finish with the completion of the marathon? But in truth, writing it gives me more than a mere timeline of my training...it allows me to order my thoughts and challenge my initial interpretation of them. So here it is, resurrected and moving in an altogether different direction.

Life since VLM has been, in all honestly, rubbish. I feel like I'm in free fall...directionless and without purpose. It's almost like I'm grieving a bit. Marathon training was about so much more than just getting the mileage up. It was all I lived and slept for over half a year. It had all my childhood dreams tied up in it, hours and hours spent pounding the pavements in all weathers, massive massive fundraising efforts and endless self-promotion (which doesn't come easy) to ask people to support me and give their money to the cause that I believe in in a bid to support me. Then there was the build up, the anticipation, the immense excitement, knowing that I was going to fulfil a dream that I had wanted since being knee high to a grasshopper. On the day people were tracking me, people who only know me through a running group but still so supportive and willing me on to do well. Then the immediate aftermath where I was buzzing and walking on air, and people congratulating me and saying I was inspiring...it was so much more than I could ever have dreamed it would be. And now it's gone.

So on 4th May I entered the ballot for next year's VLM, but let's face it, 250,000 people have entered this year, my chances are very small. I wouldn't mind if it wasn't for the fact that a lot of those people are complete beginners, people who can't even run for a bus, who watched the marathon and think they'd like a bit of that action. And it wouldn't matter if they were committed, I'd say good for you, but the truth is a lot of them will quickly lose their ambition as soon as winter draws in and it's cold and unforgiving, and they have to drag themselves out for a 15 mile run when the rest of their family is inside in the warm. Because that one day of "wow I want to do that" isn't enough to basically sacrifice everything else in your life for a lot of people.

So my only other option is to get a charity place again, which brings with it the challenge of fundraising. As someone recently so (un)helpfully said, why would people want to sponsor me a second time, and that I shouldn't rely on others to "finance [my] hobby". Is this how people really see it? Do people really think that they are contributing to me being able to run rather than to a cause I wholeheartedly believe in? To a cause that a LOT of other people believe in. To a cause that supports a group of illnesses that affect 1 in 4 people. 25% of the population. And I have considered other charities, I've thought about CRUK and CLIC Sargeant and other charities that support illnesses people I know and love have been affected by, but I can genuinely say that, even if by applying to other charities it gives me a greater chance of getting a place for VLM16, I can't imagine running VLM with anything but a Mind vest on. And maybe that's the point here; I need to run a marathon for myself, not someone else. I can't get out there and train when my heart isn't in it, I'm exhausted and it's perishingly cold if it's not for something I feel so strongly because its for something I'm living with everyday. So next week when Mind open for marathon applications, I will be applying to run London all over again, and hope that people get behind me not just to help me reach my fundraising target, but also to carry me through the days my legs just don't want to run.

I knew that it would take a while for my body to get back to normal after the marathon, but I didn't think I would feel like a beginner runner again, so much so that I sometimes wonder if I dreamed the whole thing. Surely I can't lose it all in the space of a month? It's almost as though my body has said yeah you've had your fun now I'm on strike. I am still lucky enough to be working with TT who is doing a brilliant job of rebuilding my body so I'm strong all over and not just in my legs as can happen when you're an endurance runner. I've also started working with Kevin Betts, the crazy guy who thought running 52 marathons in a year was a great plan, even popping one off on his wedding day. He has been advising the Mind team for a while, and is working to help me whittle my half time to under 2 hours, and knock a good hour off my marathon time. I'm still waiting to feel like a super human speedy runner, but I suppose Rome wasn't built in a day as they say. I need to learn patience!

NWR do Pretty Muddy

Last weekend I had my first introduction to "dirty" runs doing the R4L Pretty Muddy with some of the NWR ladies. Let's face it, this was majorly out of my comfort zone as I'm a nice clean road runner. But I wanted to run with my team and be part of something, so I signed up with them. On the day I was surprised I found it all really easy - the hardest bit was figuring out how to stay clean! A far cry from the spluttering wheezing mess from the Mo Run last November (my last run with the club). And strangely I did really enjoy it. Of course I loved feeling like part of a team, I so often feel like part of nothing, just terminal loneliness, but I actually quite liked the freedom of allowing myself to get covered in mud. It was liberating in a strange way. That said, I was sooooo glad to get in a hot shower when I got home! And sadly, the mud did nothing for my complexion, but did make me feel a bit badass which is never a bad thing!

The biggest thing affecting me at present is I'm struggling to keep my mood up. I feel like I have so many balls in the air, so many things to keep on top of that I'm losing the reasons why I started them in the first place. Take, for example, the school PTA summer fayre. Support has been dwindling for a while, then last week out of the blue my most helpful committee member quit with "immediate effect". This was a devastating blow for the PTA as by losing the secretary it makes my job a million times harder, and now I feel the onus of the summer fayre is resting on me alone. The head isn't that interested, we can call it off or go ahead with it, as long as she doesn't need to do anything for it. And I would love to say forget it, save myself hours of work and stress and make life a whole lot easier for myself. But then I think of all the children, how much they'd love it whether it's as spectacular as I'd hoped for or crap as I fear it will be. Once the fayre is done I can resign my position and life will get a lot easier. But how to get there....I don't know. I cry too much at the moment, worry lines etch my forehead where laughter lines should be. I need to be grateful for what I can do, and work with what I've got, and sometimes settle for "good enough" rather than always striving for perfection. I just wish I knew how to start that process.

Last Friday I was attacked in my car by a beardy Scottish man for something to do with how I was driving round a roundabout. It was one of those massive roundabouts where there are several sets of traffic lights and that day every set was red. So I was going from set to set and stopping each time. I became aware that someone was tooting their horn, but ignored it as I wasn't doing anything wrong so couldn't see how it would apply to me. At the last set of lights I notices a man in the car to my right gesturing wildly, I wondered if he'd noticed a problem with my car such as a door open or the like so I opened my window a bit to hear him better. He was going on about me driving round the roundabout at 20mph and using a lot of expletives. I shut my window, and then saw him get out of his car and come over to mine. It was like someone had poured a bucket of ice into my heart at that moment, and I was shocked to see him tugging on my door handle (thank god for auto locking doors) and bashing my car window hard, all the while screaming something about 20mph at me. I was vaguely aware that other cars were hooting him, but no one got out of their car to help me. And suddenly I was back there again, when HE was pushing his way into my room at university, beating me, raping me then leaving me broken. And as the light went green suddenly I could move again, but my biggest concern wasn't to get the hell out of there, but that I didn't run over his foot. What kind of idiot does that make me, worrying about hurting someone who is hurting me?! And yesterday I wanted to stamp it all out into the pavement, all the anger that someone could make me feel vulnerable YET AGAIN in somewhere that should be safe, but instead I felt paralysed, like I was running in slow motion, with all that crap round my neck dragging me down and holding me back. And that fucks me off.

So today I met Sarah and we went out to get those miles I needed to get yesterday into my legs. It wasn't a spectacular run, but it felt better than yesterday, and I saw a glimmer of my former running self slipping back. So I need to take my tearful pathetic self and give it a shake, then look forwards and keep going. I'm not a quitter, I'm not a wimp. I need to remind myself that it was me who ran a marathon a month ago, not a look alike imposter, and I have the chafing scars to prove it! So many people expected me to fail at the London Marathon, people who should've been my biggest supporters never expected me to reach the start line, let alone get to the finish line. I'm not a quitter. I'm stubborn. Even the strongest person has their breaking point, but after running outside in a beautiful place with a good friend today, I no longer feel like I've reached mine.