Chasing the dream: running VLM15

Last weekend was one of the most incredible weekends of my life, right up there with my wedding day and having my babies. After years of watching it on TV, and months of training, tears, blisters and worries that I wasn't good enough, I finally ran the London Marathon. It was as incredible an experience I'd anticipated, but in ways that I hadn't expected.


Thursday 23rd April: 3 days to go

A few weeks back I'd had a stroke of genius that it'd be a great idea for Larry and I to go to Eden Hall Day Spa before the marathon as I needed a bit of a digital detox - reading everyone's posts about VLM were fuelling my nerves and excitement so I really needed some switch off time. Larry also needed to de-stress. The day was fab; it was great to just put on a dressing gown and slob about from hot tub to pool to lounger, a quick pause for an "intense body massage" which turned out to be a bit of a tickle compared to the sports massages TT has done on me but still nice and relaxing, and then a 3 course meal. We did a quick stint in the gym and I had a blast on the treadmill which reassured me my legs were ready for action. But it was just nice, away from the world and all the stresses, just good switching off time.



Friday 24th April: 2 days to go

Finally Friday came and we started the first leg of the journey to the start line, down to Surrey to my parents' house where Larry and I would stay the night and leave the children for the weekend. It was good to finally be moving, making the dream happen. It took me ages to pack; I was so worried I'd leave my registration documents behind or my ID, or pack everything but my sports bra....those kind of anxieties that are only quelled by checking and rechecking then getting on with it! All over Facebook I could see that other VLMers were getting increasingly anxious and worrying about the marathon, but I was actually feeling pretty calm at that point. I've read something recently that nerves and excitement are caused by exactly the same thing - surges of adrenaline - and it's how you interpret those feelings as to whether you are nervous or excited. Aware of this, whenever I did get those pangs of adrenaline I tried to consider it as excitement to keep a more positive outlook, rather than the more negative feeling of nervousness.

However I felt, one thing I was growing increasingly fed up with was eating. Yes I know, I have a bad relationship with food, but having to deliberately eat 3 carb heavy meals a day with snacks in between was purgatory. I was itching to run it off. I felt like I had a carb baby on my stomach, I felt revolting and fat and greedy. But I was also determined to not let anorexia wreck my marathon journey at the final hurdle. But carbs are just so heavy and bloating. I look at the photos of me taken in the few days of carb loading, and while I don't look as massive as I felt at the time, I still think I look more bloated and fluidy. For me, the running wasn't the hardest bit, it was the fuelling to enable me to run. But I've had plenty of races or long runs that only went wrong because I'd not eaten properly, I couldn't blow the big one. So I ate dinner, I walked my dog to loosen off my legs and I kept telling myself that it would be over soon and I only had to eat for 2 more days.



Saturday 25th April: 1 day to go

The countdown clock

Now THIS was the day I had been looking forward to, the day we would head into London for the expo! I had no idea what to expect from the expo apart from knowing that here I would collect my bib number and timing chip, and there would be a variety of merchandise on sale. I certainly didn't expect Disney Land for runners!!! It was huge, it was busy and there was running-related stuff everywhere! First of all I collected my running bib, and was given the final set of instructions. I then went on to collect my timing chip, after which I went through an "Adidas" tunnel which led me into wonderland! First of all I queued up to get my photo taken next to the countdown clock. It was one of those situations where you could strike up a conversation with anyone, as we all had the same thing in common. Everyone was so excited. After I'd had my photo taken I signed the humongous marathon wall, which was no mean feat as the only blank spaces were right at the bottom or at the top. I didn't put anything earth-shatteringly exciting, but it was nice to put my stamp on the whole thing.

The writing's on the wall

Then there was the shopping. I felt like a small child looking round a sweet factory, wide eyed and mouth gaping. There were shoes, running clothing, running accessories, lucozade, nutrition stands, all different brands with their merchandise out, charity stalls, music and people hustling and bustling amidst the kaleidoscope of colours. The atmosphere was alive with excitement and anticipation; people were there to have fun, meet other people and share in their common love of running. Looking round I saw Susan Wheatcroft from Virtual Runner UK, who had run an award at the Running Awards 2015 the previous evening. It amused me that I should bump into her all the way down in London, when we live minutes away in Nottingham but seldom cross paths. I also saw Gill Watson who is a bit of an exercise ninja working on the nutrition stall, and it was lovely to have a chat with her too.

Edna and me

A little while later I saw I had a message from a lovely Minder, in fact she was Ms Funky Sunglasses from Silverstone. She said she was sat in a spot not far away so I went and found her, and she was with another Mind lady, Carmel. We all shrieked and squeaked to see each other after months of only being FB friends. Soon Jo and her lovely mum came and joined us, and we had the best time talking about absolutely nothing, as only women can! While we were talking, Larry and Manda's partner caught sight of last year's female VLM winner, Edna Kiplagat, standing not far away, so I managed to land a photograph with her. Ok, so if I'm entirely honest, I had absolutely no idea who she was when I had the picture taken, but I knew she'd won and that was good enough. She's like running royalty so I'm very grateful to have met her.

Then soon we all went our separate ways and I bumped into Sarah, my running friend from Derby. The whole thing was just so bizarre; we were both out of our usual environments so to meet up there just added to the whole feeling of craziness. When Sarah went off to find her hotel, I finally
met my lovely friend Holly who has been so sweet and thoughtful to me so many times before. And she is as lovely in real life as she is online or on the phone. We had agreed to run the marathon together, and were chattering away about it all getting increasingly excited. Once Holly had gone on to look at some of the stalls, all that was left to do was to have a photo taken at the #extramile booth, then add my picture and message to all the other thousands that were pegged up for all to see.

Then all that remained to do was for Larry and I to hop back on the DLR and go to our hotel to unpack our stuff and for me to get my running kit completely ready for the next day. Then another tonne of carbs later and some gentle stretching, I had an early night to prepare me as best I could for what lay ahead the next day.

Sunday 26th April: marathon day!!!

As my alarm woke me on Sunday morning, I could hear the sound of rainfall outside. On opening the curtains I could see grey, dingy weather, and it was really cold. Bugger. Still, I'd trained in far worse conditions than that, but I had hoped it would be reasonably nice out so there would be plenty of spectators. After my usual pre-race rituals of shower, porridge, get dressed and do a last minute check that I had everything I needed, we were good to go. We caught the DLR to Poplar, then I travelled from Poplar to Greenwich alone. It was weird being on a train that is stuffed full of runners, some taped up to the max, some in fancy dress, and all of us clutching our red bags. When we got off at Greenwich it was a case of follow everyone else. It was freezing cold and the walk seemed to go on forever. In reality it was probably only a couple of miles, but having never been there before I didn't know what to expect, so it just seemed to keep coming. Eventually we reached Greenwich Park, and were allowed entrance to the red start once we'd shown our running numbers. There were so many lorries parked in a long line with the sides off, and I had to find the right lorry for my number, then my bag was put on the lorry and all I had left was what I had in my running belt. It felt really weird, knowing I'd get my bag back only after I'd finished the marathon. I wondered what I would experience before I saw that bag again.

Me, Helen Graham and Scott Kilburn

Feeling a little bit lost and not sure what to do, I found another Mind lady, Sandhu, who looked as lost as I felt. All of a sudden Rohan glided past, swept me up in a bear hug, wished me well then disappeared as quickly as he had appeared. I wanted to meet the Mind team, but the queues for the toilets were at least 100m long by that point so I thought I'd be better off queuing up then meeting my team. With hind sight I really regret this. The Mind team got on and took a team photo, and I wasn't in it. I'm so upset about this and will never get that opportunity back. I also tried and failed to meet Holly, so realised I wouldn't be running with her which made me sad. But soon the time came to get into the pens, and I went into pre-race autopilot. I lined up with two Minders, Helen with whom I did the virtual run with, and Scott whom I ran with at Silverstone. It was reassuring to see familiar faces, and we had some laughs as we jostled for position in the tightly-packed pens.

Soon the crowds of people started slowly moving forwards, and after what seemed like forever, we were walking through the gates of the park, round the corner then the start line loomed into sight. As we crossed the line, we all fell into an easy jog. I hate it when someone suggests I jog rather than run, but that's the only way I can describe that initial speed. We were just too tightly packed to get any speed up. We pootled down the streets at a frustratingly slow 11:30 minute mile pace (my usual speed is 9:30). After a few miles at this speed I began to wave goodbye to my desired sub 5 hour finish time, as I was losing minutes due to the fact that it was too crowded to get into a proper pace. At mile 3 I saw Larry and Sonia and happily waved at them as I ran past. By mile 4 I started to feel increasingly sick and, despite the seemingly arctic conditions, far too hot. It was at this point the gremlins started to nag at me, and I began to doubt myself and whether I could physically manage the full 26.2 miles. Whereas in the past I would've bought into the whole doubting myself thing and it would've snowballed, I just turned round to those nagging thoughts and told them to just "f*ck off". No more, no less. I was too occupied running a marathon, I had no time to start doubting myself! But I needed to do something about my overheating, so at the next water station I took a good glug of water then dumped the rest of it over my head. I felt instantly better, although I was aware I'd wrecked my hair for the photos, but no bother. I continued to do that at every water station until I no longer felt sick, at around mile 6.

Me at RMR base mile 19

The next few miles up to mile 15 were like a roller coaster. There were times where I felt amazingly strong and swift and in control, there was the time at mile 8.5 where I realised I'd missed seeing Larry (he was on the opposite side of the road) and then proceeded to cry for the next mile. There was the time when, on seeing the ridiculous queues for the toilets, I hopped behind a bush for a speedier peeing alternative. I danced with the bands, I helped a few injured runners, I was overtaken by people I ended up overtaking several miles up the road. I was pushed out of the way by a camel, I pushed a minion out of the way, I saw a man in a big pink dress chase a rhino. It was crazy! Turning the corner and crossing Tower Bridge was a "wow" moment. Not long after that I saw Larry and had a little cry about how tired I was. Then I kicked myself up the bum and began the second half. 15 miles took me into a tunnel where a disco was playing and there was yet another queue for toilets. I stopped temporarily and decided to check my phone. I saw a text from Sarah who had set off from blue start before me, and had been at mile 15 some 40 minutes previously. She said her legs had gone so I decided there and then to catch her up. Forgetting the toilet queue I got a man to block me while I peed in a corner then I pressed on. By mile 18 I was only about 15 minutes behind her, so I kept going. At 18.5 I saw Larry again, at 19 I saw my lovely friend Leanne Ludlow who had brought me some nuts as I knew I'd need salt by then. I had a massive hug from her then a bit up the road I saw the RMR ladies and ran over to them shrieking with glee.

I was beginning to get extremely chafed at this point, and running was getting very painful. I started to feel a bit miserable and tired and lonely. Then I looked up and who did I see but Sarah. That was the best hug ever. It was so good to have finally caught her up and know that we would finish the race together. Sarah is like a sister to me, we'd done all our 20 mile runs together, it was only right that we finished together. So we did. At times when Sarah needed help I was able to keep her moving forwards, and when I ran full pelt into the wall at mile 25, she took my hand and kept me going. So it was only right that we finished the London Marathon together, hand in hand.

   

The aftermath

Immediately after finishing the marathon, the priority was to make sure I was fit and well, which required some help from the St John's team. It needed to rehydrate and refuel, then after a train ride to my parents' house where I had a shower, showed off my beautiful medal and had something to eat, we got in the car and Larry drove us back to Nottingham. It was on that 3 hour journey I had the chance to fully appreciate how many messages I had and how much support had been shown to me. And yes, being exhausted and emotional I shed the odd tear or two. How could I not when people I didn't even realise cared about me had been so absolutely lovely to me? It was touching and humbling, and a load of other things as well.

Physical recovery has been pretty unremarkable. I fully expected to be completely wreck for a week after finishing VLM, but on the Monday I went swimming, and on Tuesday I did a body pump class (with slightly lighter weights than normal). I've also been walking about a lot. My biggest issues have been the horrendous chafing in delicate areas, and the knowledge that I will almost certainly lose my black toenail (it's really quite revolting now). I'm dying to run again but until my skin heals up, this is not remotely possible. I often catch myself wondering if it really happened, did I REALLY run a marathon, and not just any marathon but the London Marathon??

And sometimes I feel the euphoria that I felt immediately afterwards, and the the amazing sense of achievement, then I just feel this great big loss, that something I have worked so hard at for so long is now over. But in 16 months I learned to run, I fought the anorexia demons that plagued me so badly, I trained for and ran a marathon, raised £2700 for Mind, and actually realised I'm a pretty ok person after all. And that is good enough for now.



This blog will continue later in the year when I start training for Robin Hood and Royal Parks half marathons, and the Great South Run. Thank you so much for reading this, your continued support means everything.