Overwhelmed

This past week has been overwhelming in so many ways. At times I feel suffocated by the sheer amount of things I have to do, details I need to remember and places I have to be. I am EXHAUSTED by it all and there's always the perfectionistic side of me berating myself at not performing whatever it is to a high enough standard. A lot of it is marathon-related. Not just training but fundraising, organising my virtual run medals to post as results come in, thinking about training, recovering from training, struggling with myself (and often failing) to try and eat as close to "normal" as possible and generally living, sleeping and breathing VLM. My self-esteem is fragile, and it doesn't take a lot to send me into the depths of self-doubt.....can I actually run a marathon?

This is kinda obvious...

Me on balloon duty

But this week, a big box was ticked off in my marathon journey: I hit my fundraising target! Back in October last year the target of £1750 seemed insanely huge, and I was often worried that me and Larry would have to make up the difference. And I don't think that would've made me very popular!! So on Saturday, Larry and I joined a team of amazing people down in Ettington (near Stratford), and for several hours we worked really hard to get a lovely little hall ready for a Parkinson's and Mind dinner dance.

The set up was pretty labour intensive; giant vats of chilli were cooked, over 100 jacket potatoes were baked, the stage was assembled ready for the band, tables had to be laid out and dressed, fairy lights were strung up and banners and bunting hung. But the MOST important job, integral to the success of the entire evening was the inflating of the balloons with helium by yours truly (with some help from Larry)! While we were all working hard I kept having to check myself because of the overwhelming thought that kept coming to me: all those people setting up were there for ME. Sarah Ward is an incredible lady. Diagnosed at a young age with Parkinson's, she has worked like fury to raise as much money for this terrible illness as she can. Last year she cycled from Paris to London raising vast amounts of money for the charity, and she has thrown several parties like this one in previous years. I am so privileged to have had her help with this fundraising venture, and I attribute its success largely to her hard work and tenacity. My mother in law, Sonia, has also been tremendously helpful, and I'm lucky that her generosity of time enables me to not just train, but fundraise through events such as this.

Sarah and Sonia

"Be a tiger" said Toby, so I was...

Janice Carole

During the dinner we were fortunate enough to have a performance by Janice Carole (www.janicecarole.com), a talented singer who generously gave us her time. Yet again, it was another person who was helping us to make the evening a success, and I'm very grateful to her.

The Rocky Road Band with Sarah and Sonia

Then once the food was all gone, The Rocky Road Band started to play and got the whole dance hall dancing the rest of the night away. And may I add, whilst I jokingly said that the collective age of this band was close to 200, these guys are AWESOME! I would definitely book them again, and they were good evidence that old can still be sexy. They owned that stage, and even had a number with Sarah and Sonia. With my share of the money raised that evening totalling £930, my fundraising target has been smashed! What a relief to have that pressure off. The next thing to worry about is the running itself.

When I'm with TT I feel like I could do pretty much anything; the guy literally sweats positivity and self-affirmation. But the past week has been a tough one. Following on from my stupendous 15 mile run on the Sunday, my running ability seems to have fizzled out somewhat. Monday went ok but on Tuesday I was struggling. I was so exhausted and collapsed on the Tuesday Larry needed to come home early from work to help me with the children. Wednesday was my designated rest day, and with TT still ill on Thursday I went to do body step and body pump but either my chest infection or lack of fuelling got to me and I fainted during step. I made up for it by training harder on the Friday, but my self-esteem - especially when it comes to my running - is very fragile. A great run can leave me feeling on top of the world and believing that anything is possible, whereas a bad run (ie one in which I've struggled) makes me question the whole thing and contemplate giving up.

I've got so many balls I'm trying to juggle right now I feel completely overwhelmed. Training is a large part of it; I live, eat, breathe running and VLM right now. My virtual run takes up a lot of my time. I'm planning a return to medical school so am trying to get hands on experience as and when I can. Then there's being the chair of the school PTA, having 3 children under 5 and organising my son's 5th birthday party to name but a few. On top of all that my mood seems stuck in my boots so much of the time, I'm still not eating anywhere near enough to support my training and I sleep badly. I often feel like I've taken on too much, but I'm so incredibly stubborn - often to my detriment - and I will not take on something I cannot compete. So for now it's full steam ahead, trying to keep on top of what I can, relying on my amazing friends and family to carry me through the rest. And I really, really need my friends and family right now. Even if they don't actually do anything. I just need to know that when I'm running through the darkness, I'm not alone.