The media portrays anorexia as an almost glamorous disease, like heroin chic. "Proana" websites are full of "wannarexics" wanting to "catch" anorexia to help them lose weight. The most recent one I saw was "help me get 'ana' so I can fit into my prom dress in 2 weeks". They often get sent off with a flea in their ear, told to try a healthy diet and not a deadly disease, but it always strikes me as terrifying how so many young girls are glorifying what kills up to 20% of sufferers, that it can be considered desirable and almost like a status symbol. So I've decided to outline what anorexia means to me, if nothing else to get something out of my system.
What is anorexia?
It is the rapid loss of weight, granted, and feeling your clothes getting bigger until they start falling off and you need smaller sizes.
But you don't see that. I've lost a third of my body weight in the past 5 months and I still see what I saw then....fat, hideous, revolting.
It's watching the people you care most about exchanging worrying glances and knowing this is killing them too, but feeling totally powerless to change anything.
It's lying in bed all night with hideous abdominal cramps from laxative abuse, which you didn't even need because you'd barely eaten anyway, but you took "just in case".
It's watching everyone else getting on with their lives while you're stuck, or even in reverse, and you would do anything to move forwards but eat.
It's missing out on taking your family to the Goose Fair because standing is a bit of a challenge today and having a bit of egg was too little too late, but oops now I need to burn off the egg.
It's seeing all your running friends racing and improving, while you're grateful to be able to walk a short distance every day.
Sometimes you lash out, and you hurt people you care most about like I did yesterday, and I don't know if I'll be forgiven or not. It's hard for most people to separate you from the ED bit of you.
It's being cold all the time, and nothing really warms you up...except maybe hot food, but that's not an option because you're too tired to work it off.
It's being scared ALL THE TIME that your children will notice and develop the disease when they're older.
It's lying in bed feeling your heart pounding and hoping it calms down but doesn't stop entirely overnight.
It's watching your children playing, and praying you get sorted so you see them grow up.
It's having people you considered friends totally ignore you and your FB posts because they don't understand, so maybe ignoring will make you go away.
It's other friends whom you haven't seen for ages swearing under their breaths at your weight loss and asking you if you're ok, which shocks you because don't forget, you don't look any different in your eyes.
It's begging your therapist for more help only to be told you're lucky to get one hour a week because funding for eating disorders is so scarce, and you're too heavy for inpatient treatment.
And then one day you find a breast lump, and realise that if it is cancer, you'd be too scared to have treatment because the steroids will make you fatter.
Every night you go to sleep and pray for the day when you wake and food is separate from feelings, and you can start accepting social invitations and eating for pleasure.
It's about so much more but I'm getting really tired sitting up to type this and need to lie back down.
Last year my dreaming the impossible was to be able to run the London Marathon 2015. This year my dreaming the impossible is being alive to run the London Marathon 2016 for Mind. I've missed Robin Hood so far this season and will miss Royal Parks and Great South Run over the next few weeks. I'm not missing any more. By hook or by crook, I will start VLM16 and I will also finish it. I just need to figure out some stuff first. Thank you for reading.
