Happy New Year!

New Year has always seemed an odd time of year to me. As a child I imagined that everyone spent the whole evening drinking and making merry, and as Big Ben bonged in the new year everyone was united in hugs and kisses, and singing Auld Lang Syne. As an adult I realise that unless you know people throwing a party it's pretty much another night, except you stay up to midnight watching the paltry offerings on TV, see in the new year then fall in to bed ready to start anew in the morning. But much as the festivity of New Year is lost on me, I'm a big fan on the "fresh slate" aspect to it. The ability to turn over a fresh page and make resolutions to try and better yourself for the next year seems more meaningful at the start of January than at any other time in the year.

From my list last NYE

Last December 31st I, like millions of other people, made some resolutions. But for the first time in my life I actually kept every one of them! I'm so proud of myself for this! Last year's resolutions were this:
1. to run 5k
2. to be able to do a pull up on a bar
3. to do a one-armed press up

I wanted to do the 5k because I wanted to do Race For Life for my mother-in-law and friend who have both battled breast cancer recently, and it was a good way of honouring them and what they had been through to get into remission. I ended up signing up for the 10k Race For Life instead, and so launched myself on a crazy path to the point where I would now call myself a runner.

The pull up and one-armed press up happened at some point during the year, but then my runner's body with strong lower half and puny upper half began to evolve and I managed them no more. But hey, I did them, I felt like GI Jane for a bit so all is good!

So, resolutions for 2015:
1. to run a full marathon in a time that I am happy with
2. to be happy in my own skin
3. to live positively and inspire positivity in others
4. to re-begin my medical training

I am both terrified and excited about the prospect of running VLM next April. In fact my racing calender has 5 official races on it so far, and a whole load more informal runs and virtual races planned. I will be working with TT on a weekly basis to hopefully help me become a better, more efficient runner, whilst tackling the huge self-doubt that chips away at me when I'm out running. Some days on a run I feel like I'm wading through treacle and that little voice whispers things like "you're tired aren't you, you can't do this, stop now and go home". Days like that I feel are wasted training sessions, but I'm having more of the other type these days where I feel like my legs are flying, long and strong, covering miles with each stride. And yes, I probably have the goofiest grin on my face during this kind of run because it feels so fantastic, but hell, I love running and I love good runs even more.  

Beautiful Wollaton Park

My advent streak was abruptly stopped on 20th December when I befell a very nasty dose of tonsillitis and was absolutely floored for a few days. My lovely running friends and even TT continued my streak for me so I got to Christmas Eve and hit my total of 100 miles which I was thrilled about. On the 28th I went out to the above Wollaton Park for my first run since being ill, and it was so exhilarating. First I got wolf-whistled and hooted on the way to the park by two lads in a van which is always a confidence booster, then the mixture of running, teetering over ice, squelching through mud and high-kneed runs over the deep snow on long grass was just the best. Even getting lost and struggling to find the small gate out of the park minutes before it was locked up for the night didn't spoil the experience. That was running at it's best.

So, as I reflect on my year, I am so grateful for what I have gained this year. I called this blog "Dream the Impossible" because this time a year ago I was reasonably fit, but couldn't run for more than a minute tops. I envied other runners, their endurance and stamina and wished my body was capable of doing that. I'd watch the London Marathon on TV each year and stare in wonderment at all the athletes. Next year that'll be me amongst the throng of runners! I'm not sure the reality of that has fully hit me yet to be honest. It's just too amazing. Plus I'll be running a half marathon around Silverstone, going through the pits and everything. Years ago when I was bedbound with M.E. I'd watch Formula 1 and imagine what it'd be like to be there. Soon I'll be on a backstage tour! None of this would be possible without running, and running wouldn't be possible without my husband who supports me and looks after the children so I can pound the pavements, my friends and family who are like cheerleaders, the RMR ladies, the NWR ladies who are always happy to accompany me on runs, and finally TT who is always ready to beat sense into me when negativity creeps in. I thank you all a thousand times over, and ask you to keep being awesome next year because you are like the scaffolding that enables me to do amazing things. Much love to you all.

And finally, I leave you with a visual representation of what I have achieved this year. Happy New Year to you all.

Beautiful, beautiful bling

From black dogs to puppies

My last post was about battling the black dog. Well, I have a much nicer dog post to talk about today, and that is this little fellow:

Barney

Meet Barney. This little guy is coming home to live with us in January. He is a golden doodle (think of a retriever with a perm!) and will eventually become a running buddy for me when he is old enough. A lot of people have said "a puppy AND 3 children...are you crazy?!!" but I'm guessing that it takes a special kind of crazy to run a marathon, and I love dogs and miss having one in my life. It'll be a very good incentive to get up and out of bed in the mornings to go for a run; you can't turn a dog off like you can an alarm clock! 

On a training front I had a tough run yesterday as I felt rough and kept needing the loo, but it turned out I had a temperature and tummy bug so I'm not being too hard on myself. I absolutely smashed my previous sub 30 minute 5k last Wednesday by getting a sub 28 minute one. I'm getting faster! I have my sights set on a sub 25 minute 5k, but I'll probably need to work on that. That said, I have a session coming up with TT and I don't know what he's doing but it's definitely making me a more efficient runner, so maybe that'll knock another minute off my time.

I think the biggest thing I can take from this past week is that just as you have absolutely awesome runs, you also have totally rubbish runs, but not to dwell on the bad ones, rather remember the good ones and always stay positive. 

Battling the black dog

It's been a while since my last post. I suppose that's a reflection of how the rest of my life has been recently: low key and under the radar. Things have been a struggle and while I've kept my training up, I suspect that is more a statement about how stubborn I am rather than anything else. I have always been open about the reasons why I decided to run for Mind; I have a personal history of depression and eating disorders, and I wanted to represent a charity that could help other people suffering in that way.

The black dog of depression is a friend of anorexia

Since the birth of my daughter at Christmas 2012 I have never felt quite right. I had post natal depression, and despite various different antidepressants, I've never felt like "me" since. I might be ok for a while, but soon enough the black dog started sneaking back up on me and my mood crashed again. Every time I run I'm followed by the black dog. Sometimes I manage to outrun it and I lose it temporarily, and those times are amazing. Other times I set out and it hangs to my ankles, holding me back and making me doubt my ability as a runner. These past few months though I've allowed myself to be distracted from the black dog by being seduced back into anorexia. Now I am in a continual tug-of-war between needing to restrict food to feel better, and needing to eat a bit so I'm fuelled for a run. Some days I get it wrong and end up almost keeling over during a training session, other days I eat enough and achieve amazing feats such as the 13.1 mile run I managed two weekends ago.

I'm lucky this time around to have an amazing husband and close family support, and to have been referred back to my old therapist. Before when I was very poorly I had no incentive as powerful as running the London Marathon to keep me from slipping too far down. My training is so much more important to me now than it's ever been before. It means everything to be able to maintain the gruelling training regime that TT has set, because when I start the VLM I want to be strong and confident, and able to cover those 26.2 miles with comfort and a smile on my face. I will get over this relapse and get back on track, because I want to raise a whole load of money for Mind, so people who don't have family and friends to support them through emotional illness have somewhere to turn to for support. It's weird because people that I wouldn't have thought would be that supportive have been amazing to me, and others that I considered good friends have dropped by the wayside, unable to understand why someone can be so unhappy they can't bring themselves to eat.

So to all my lovely friends who read my ramblings, please please get behind me and show me your support by sponsoring me. I WILL complete the London Marathon, but I could use a cheering squad to get me there. Thank you.

www.justgiving.com/jennyhiggs

MoRun: done!

Yesterday saw a number of PBs in my running life:

• my slowest 10k ever
• the worst conditions to run in
• the most fun during a race
• the funkiest medal
• the muddiest I've even been after a run
• first race without my family cheering me on

On arriving at Wollaton Park, this was the scene that greeted me:

Urgh!

At that point I REALLY started to worry for the safety of my beautiful clean and shiny new shoes. Everywhere was soaked through, even the "dry" bag drop had puddles in and it was a case of putting my bag on other bags to try and stop it getting completely soaked. Can I just say here, I don't do dirty. I like nice, clean road running, jumping over the occasional puddle but mostly staying mud-free. I couldn't face the thought of going to a music festival such as Glastonbury because actually living amidst so much mud and not being able to scrub it off just makes me shudder.

Notts Women Runners

Anyway, back to the race. After talking to the lovely ladies in NWR for weeks now I got to at last meet a good chunk of them, and as expected they're fab. I was super nervous going into the race as my family wasn't able to come and watch as my eldest son was poorly, the weather was ghastly and my confidence had been damaged by the GSR leaving me feeling a bit ambivalent. It would've been easy to pull out but I'm no quitter, and when I met the girls I was glad I hadn't. Here we are taking the prospect of the race very seriously!

Mo Sista!

So sporting a rather fetching Mo that would give Mario a run for his money, we set off round Wollaton Park. It was hard enough to start with because we had to run up a steep grassy hill that had become somewhat of a mudslide with all the rain we've had lately. Quite a few of us were grumbling about what lousy conditions it was to run in, but soon we settled into a nice conversational pace and I ran with Sarah and Zoe with whom the laughs were abundant. We realised that to try and run it in a good time was pointless, so settled for just completing the course without breaking a leg! It's at this point I thought trail shoes might have an advantage over my road shoes. After a while it began to feel pointless trying to avoid all the mud and puddles, so I just accepted I was going to get dirty. Zoe, however, went even further and decided to plough straight through all the puddles...I wish I was that brave!

Towards the end of the race we started seeing lots of fake moustaches littering the paths as they'd sweated off and just dropped. I now have visions of all the deer prancing about at night wearing them as they take part in their own MoRun, but then I do have a very strange imagination! They'll probably end up lining rabbit burrows and keep the bunnies nice and warm during the winter. 

Finally, after 2 laps of Wollaton Park and 10km, Zoe, Sarah and I crossed the finished line triumphantly, tired, muddy but in receipt of new bling.

We did it!

Sadly my shoes will never be the same again, but hey, what's wrong with a bit of mud? Besides, the spoils more than make up for it! I'm still not a fan of the mud, but yesterday proved that you can get covered and still have a laugh.

MoRunning 2014

 

Massages and moustaches

This week saw a first in my running life: I got a sports massage. I was so disheartened with my inability to run on Sunday because I couldn't shake my "limpy gait" as I like to call it that I booked in for a sports massage to try and see what the problem was. Sports massage. Those two words conjure up the image of a lovely refreshing massage specifically designed for hard-working athletes. Instead what you get is YEEEEOOOOWWWWCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! To my credit I only swore once, but holy crap that was some serious pain! TT found every bit of my calves which were causing me problems, and a whole load more besides. It was painful, I was bruised and tender for days afterwards but oh my goodness it was amazing! My legs felt so free the following day and I was able to run again too. This was a good thing as apparently I'm a tad grumpy when I haven't run for a while. Who knew?!!! Unfortunately, while foam rollering is really good at maintaining muscles when doing heavy training, it's almost impossible in my house to use the roller before the children have gone to bed for the following reasons:

Either the roller makes a good seat or I do!!

I'm beginning to realise that as hard as I'm training my body for the marathon, I'm needing to train my mind just as much. I tend to focus on the here and now a lot, so having injury now stresses me out a whole lot, but really it's better to be injured now and have chance to recover adequately than to damage something after Christmas when I'm starting to build up the miles and need to be in peak form. So many times when I'm running I get that little voice in my head making me doubt what I'm doing, making me feel that I can't keep going and need a walking break and generally ruining what could be a perfectly good run. I need to find ways to remain positive, to tell that voice to do one and remain confident of my own ability. TT has proven to be really helpful in this, if only for the fact that every time I slow to a walk I have to do a whole load of burpees to compensate!! But it's slowly sinking in. I CAN do this. I suppose that years and years of self-doubt in anything I do will take their toll but it's time to overcome those and get ready to push out some miles!

Larry grows a Mo!

Tomorrow I'm doing the MoRun; this is a race to support Movember where upon lots of men grow moustaches throughout the month of November to benefit prostate cancer, testicular cancer and men's mental health. The race is a 5 or 10k distance through a local park and entry fees go towards this great charity. As I'm currently busy raising money for my charity, Mind, I am reluctant to promote my husband's Movember page as I don't want to miss out on sponsors for Mind, but just once I'll pop a link up as so many men are affected by the causes represented by Movember that it'd be mean not to. You can find Larry's Mospace here:   http://uk.movember.com/mospace/1592138
There are three good points to doing the MoRun tomorrow. First it's a good 10k run in what will be nasty weather over off-road terrain so a good training session. Secondly I'll be meeting some of the Notts Women Runners ladies which will be fab. But most importantly, there will be new bling!! And who could turn down a beauty like this?!

Ahhhhh new bling!!

A long week

I have intended to update this blog several times recently, but I've not been feeling so well of late. My mood has been persistently low despite all the wonderful things around me, and despite an increase in my anti depressants. I have also been injured which means running has been sacrificed for cross training, which, although good in its own rights, doesn't give me the same uplift and sense of achievement that running does. Lots has been happening though, so time for a catch up.

My excitement at getting new running shoes was short-lived when I discovered the next day that I'd done a fair bit of damage to my calves running in my old shoes. I woke up on Tuesday and felt like I'd been run over by a tractor. My knees had that dull achey feeling as though they were jarred in some way, and my calves were sore and inflamed, particularly on the right side. Not good. I took some NSAIDs and got off to the gym, but considering I was limping a bit and struggling to walk down stairs, it wasn't the best work out I'd had. I did body pump mostly ok, but when I went to run some intervals on the treadmill afterwards I realised within seconds that this would be a bad move. So I spent the remainder of my gym time staring forlornly at the treadmills from where I was on the cross trainer, cursing my stupid legs under my breath. I don't like having my plans scuppered, and it was frustrating not being able to do what my training plan laid out.

Sports massages bruise. A lot.

When Thursday came around my legs were feeling a bit better but were still painful. However, that marked the first day of my training journey with TT, and there was absolutely no way I wanted to sacrifice a run out with someone who could assess my gait and running style and help me to improve it and thus become a better runner in order to do more cross training. So I made a decision, and this turned out to be a MASSIVE mistake. NEVER EVER do this. I dosed up on pain killers so I couldn't feel my leg pain, and I went ahead and ran with only a little niggle. Yes, I felt absolutely fabulous for a good run, and identified some areas in which I could work on, but in retrospect I did my body no favours. For when I woke up the next morning I could barely walk. The inflamed leg had turned into a full on strain, and it was horrendously painful. It was then that I decided to attack it full on, and got my talented hubby to perform acupuncture on it, I had it massaged and I iced it loads. Then I wore compression socks all day and didn't run.

TRX handstand

Fast forwards nearly a week and I think I'm finally fit to run again. It's been a tough week without having my "therapy"; it's such a good way to process all the stressors and rubbish bits that occur day to day, and I often finish a run a completely different person to how I started it. But this week has had some benefits. I've had more time to "mess around" at the gym and play about on the equipment a bit more which I don't usually do as I'm either rushing to a class or out for a run. The best thing I've learnt how to do is handstands using the TRX equipment. That was a great abdominal and upper body workout, and completely unlike anything I'd usually do. I've also been doing leg raises on the monkey bars and trying to move across them. What has struck me is how amazingly strong children are to be able to support their body weight so easily and swing from bar to bar like little monkeys. It does make me wonder whether, if the natural fitness, strength and flexibility children are born with is cultivated from an early age so they don't lose it, humans would be capable of far more amazing feats than the average person is.

Anyway, I digress. I'm going to head out this afternoon once my husband is home and can look after the children, and see what these legs can do. I know I still have a large amount of time before the VLM, but the anxieties as to whether I'm capable of running 26.2 miles in one sitting are still there. Taking a week off for injuries does little to quell that worry. So fingers crossed my legs are back to normal and I get to have my run later on. Goodness knows I need the blast through, and I think my family would appreciate their grumpy mummy/wife cheering up too! But before I go, feast your eyes on my latest bit of bling for running a 10k this month:

Pretty, purple and glows in the dark!

.

Not all that glitters is gold

This morning marked the first day of my marathon training plan, and I woke up injured. I kid you not. My calves were absolute murder and my knees were achey too. I had planned to pop the The Derby Runner to buy new shoes today, and wondered if my old ones were in part responsible for all the calf pain I've been experiencing lately, but more than that I was wondering (as I often do) am I dreaming too big in wanting to run the marathon? Have I overestimated my own ability? After all, I started running in February this year, and didn't get past 5km until the end of May when I had my hypermobility identified, and was fitted with orthotics and stability shoes which made all the shin splints and plantar faciitis settle down. I thought that running the Race For Life 10k race in July was ambitious, applying to do the Great South Run even more so, so what does that make my wanting to run the London Marathon?! Deluded?! Yet I ran both of those races and did fairly well each time, so who's to say I can't run London next April?

I really didn't want to faff about with my training plan on day 1, that wouldn't help my mind set at all, so I limped into body combat as planned whilst dosed up on NSAIDs and paracetamol. I took the low impact options where possible which I hate doing; it makes me feel like a old woman, and goes at odds to my competitive nature. But I did manage to see the whole class through and felt better for doing so. The next stop was The Derby Runner for new shoes. I took in my old shoes as asked if they thought they were ready to be replaced yet. After a few seconds of twisting and bending them I was informed that they were completely wrecked after many miles of running, and I may as well be running barefoot for all the support they were giving me. I'm guessing that's why my legs have been getting increasingly painful!

Apparently they shouldn't be able to do this...

Oooh so pretty and new!

So, mystery solved. My shoes were wrecked. The annoying thing is that now I'm itching to go out for a run to try out my new ones, but should probably allow the inflammation in my legs to settle a bit first. Another thing that came out of today was that I am finally beginning to identify myself as a runner. When Carolyn at the Derby Runner commented on how many miles I was putting into my shoes, and how many shoes I will get through during marathon training, I felt like a proper, serious runner. I suppose that before I felt like someone who does a fair bit of training and sometimes goes out for a run, but now I'm the real thing. I think I bore my friends and family senseless because I go on about running, or running-related things like fundraising an awful lot. I have my set day every week where I do my long runs, and I'm so lucky that my husband is so supportive and happy for me to go out and leave him with the children for a few hours a time. This week I'll be starting to work with TT who will be improving my running style and efficiency. Now all I need to do is believe in myself and things will really start looking up.

Bupa Great South Run: done!

So Sunday was the big day. The day I'd been working towards for the past few months, until, that is, I decided I may as well have a go at doing a marathon, upon which it became a practise race. Last week was tough; I struggle to eat carbs 3 times a day, and by carbs I mean proper carbs like brown rice and pasta, not crisps (which are way more fun!). Last week saw me having 3 healthy portions of carbs a day, with snacks of bananas and apples where necessary. I was tapering, and my legs appreciate a good week's rest before an event, so I kept the training to a minimum. And let me say, I was miserable. Increased carbs, decreased exercise and the growing nerves of participating in my first proper race messed with my head a bit. I relied heavily on support from Larry and some wise friends to keep me going on the right track. But tapering was tough. I had so much building energy in my body as my glycogen stores built up and my activity levels decreased, that it was almost too much at times.

This certainly applied to me last week!

But when the weekend came I was glad I'd prepared well. Travelling down to my parents in Surrey on the Saturday afternoon I was awash with nerves, but by the time bedtime came around, I was ready. My mum made me a carb-heavy dinner, although I think she may have overestimated how much food I could consume because I certainly couldn't eat more than half of it. But I was really touched at the effort she'd gone to to make sure I was well-equipped for the following day. And was I ever glad that the clocks went back that night because the extra hour in bed meant that Larry and I didn't have to get up quite so early the following morning! By 6.30 am we were on the road on our way to Portsmouth!
                                                   

It was really strange arriving at the race site. There were so many people in running gear, some looking cool and collected and clearly very experienced, and others like me clearly there for the first time not quite certain about what to do. The television cameras were flying overhead in helicopters, all the charities were set up in tents in the charity village, there was a big massage tent, and the loos, oh the loos! Row upon row of portaloos, each of them as smelly as the next, were found all round the area. Queues varied from non-existent to long as runners were desperate to squeeze out those last drops before they had to start the race. I think I went about 3 times in the hour before my race: you never can tell if those drops might make all the difference later!

Run Muumy Run!

I managed to meet up with some of the Run Mummy Run ladies pre race which was great, each of us recognising each other by our zany compression socks. These ladies are brilliant, I've learnt so much about running from them and they are always there with a supportive word or to share in the joy of a good run. It was so nice to know we were all scattered throughout the 25,000 runners, so you didn't have to look far to see a "friend", even if we hadn't previously met. That also applied to the Mind runners too, we were united by a common cause, which evoked friendship despite being strangers.

As we got ready for our wave to start we could see the tv footage of the elite runners as they began their race, then before long we were being moved forwards until suddenly the march picked up into a run and we were off! Immediately I was aware of two major problems, the first being that I really hadn't needed the base layer under my Mind vest and was in danger of overheating, and second that I was at the front of the white wave with a heck of a lot of runners behind me and I had to keep going. This wouldn't have been an issue, had the starting pace not been so fast. I usually settle at 10 minute miles. The first 2 miles I ran that day took 16 minutes. Add that to overheating and I had a major issue. I managed to get to the side and stop for a minute, but my heart rate was way too high and I ended up being sick right near where the marines stood. I felt faint, the floor was rocking and my vision was filled with black dots. Some people asked me if I wanted them to call St Johns to see to me but I refused. Call me stubborn but I had a lot of people backing me and I did not want to pull out so early. Somehow I got through the next 2 miles and was thrilled to see Larry at the side of the road cheering me on. I ran over and ripped both my tops off which gave the other spectators a bit of an eyeful! Putting the Mind vest back on I felt so much cooler, and with that I went on. At about 5 miles I decided I hated running, I would never run again and berated myself for even thinking I could do a race like the Great South Run, let alone the London Marathon! Mile by mile I plodded on, seeing Larry every couple of miles and my mother-in-law with her sister and friend a couple of times. I have to say, the crowd were phenomenal. Sometimes when I broke down to a walk they'd shout "come on Jenny, not far now", then cheer when I started running again. Children held out their hands to be high fived, and screeched with delight when I obliged them. It was kind of like being a celebrity in the most hellish situation ever. At 6.5 miles I ran through the shower which was heavenly, and cooled me down brilliantly. It all adds to the race experience!! As I got to the final couple of miles my legs were tired but my mind was strong, and I powered through to a finishing time of 1:54 hours.

In the immediate aftermath of the race I was totally monged out. I moved through the finishers enclosure absolutely exhausted, handed my chip back and received my medal and t shirt, then figured I'd just let Larry find me rather then use up precious energy looking for him. I was torn between being thrilled and proud that I'd completed the race, whilst berating myself at not having done it faster. I was angry at my body for letting me down when I knew I could run it quicker than that, but then I don't usually have to go through days of extreme race nerves and broken sleep before a run. I still don't really know how I feel. When I went and said hello at the Mind tent they were very supportive, and I know that several people were taken away by ambulance and whole lot of other people didn't finish. But would I ever be truly happy with my time or would I always want it to be quicker? Is this a part of my personality? With my anorexia I always wanted to get the numbers smaller, always to weigh less, to eat less. With exams I never celebrate a pass but instead torture myself for not scoring highly enough. If I'd run the GSR in 1:40 would I be wanting it to be closer to 1:30? Will I ever be happy with myself when I am such a perfectionist, or will I always be striving for the impossible?

The day after the race I woke up feeling like I'd been run over by a tractor, my legs were wrecked. And on studying the data from my Garmin I actually ran my most consistent run yet. I've had lots of talks with my shiny new PT Tim, who will be assessing my running style and hopefully making me stronger and more efficient. I've been out running hill repeats already, and am determined to be the best that I can be. I'm excited to be embarking on marathon training, and I've entered the 2015 Great South Run! Me and that race have unfinished business!    

Learning points

With only 6 days til race day, I'm well into my tapering and going a bit doolally as a result. The last few days have been somewhat stressful. A weekend away at my father-in-law's was punctuated by vomiting children. I have never seen as much vomit as I did this weekend, and one of my clinical placements was on a gastro ward! I'd planned to run a 10k when we got home on Sunday afternoon as part of my tapering down to race day, but when we finally got home and had put all the sicky clothes in the washing machine, I was wiped out. So I went out on a training run, but stopped after 5k as the complete absence of sleep the night before was having a major effect, and I could feel that the tendinitis I've been treating all last work was still there to a lesser degree, so I didn't want to antagonise it. But recently I have discovered 3 things about myself and running.

The first thing is that I'm naturally quite competitive. I don't like having to hold back, I'd rather throw my all into my training. This morning, before my body combat class started I had to tell the instructor I was taking the low impact options because of tapering, because god forbid she thought I had become a complete wimp and was taking the easy option! It's so hard for me to hold back, but I know it will set me up well for race day. It's just hard watching my friends all doing jump kicks and not be able to try and jump higher than them. Ditto it'll be hard on race day not taking off at top speed; that would be fine on a 5k but over 10 miles will not end well!

The second thing I have learnt is that I will have to work hard to fit my training around my family and other commitments. My children have to be my first and foremost priority, there's no argument about that. But, like this weekend, sometimes situations will arise where a planned training session will have to be abandoned or cut short, and frustrating as that will be, I will have to deal. That might seem like an obvious thing to say, but running and training in general are very sacred parts of my life, so I will need to get better at sacrificing them should my family need me. This may entail getting up early and running at 5.30am as I get into my marathon training. Yikes!! That'll be painful!

The third and final thing I have figured out this week is that I run best when I'm happy. When my mood is low and my depression has got a strong hold over me, everything seems to move in slow motion. It's like running through treacle. The negative voice that irritates every runner at the first part of their run seems more insistent, making me doubt my ability to keep going and complete the distance. Recently my mood has been well and truly in my boots. Training has been tough. It's easy to put up a positive "I'm ok" aura for the rest of the world, but that doesn't extend to my legs so to achieve anything during a training session requires stubbornness and mental grit.And it is all this that reminds me of why I'm running for Mind, because no matter how bad I feel, other people are suffering with their mental health way worse, and I'm lucky to have an amazing husband and supportive family behind me. So I will continue to carry the flag for Mind, and I will remain proud in doing so.

Tonight I'm launching a Guess My Time competition for the Great South Run. Hopefully I'll increase my fundraising whilst giving people a bit of fun. Fingers crossed it's a success!

Retail therapy

It's been a funny sort of week, some good days but a whole lot of bad ones too. Friday was a good day, and not just because all the children were at school/pre school/nursery! I did some retail therapy in my favourite running shop, The Derby Runner. Training for a marathon is one thing, but training over the coldest, iciest months of the year is a whole other matter entirely. I have had runs where I've left the house and winced in the cold brisk wind which leaves me shivering until I've got going and warmed up, at which point I welcome the cold weather! My first shopping need was a pair of long running tights, because there's only so much longer I can cope with having my ankles exposed! I got some gore runner ones and can honestly say they are the comfiest piece of sportswear I have ever worn. It's almost like running commando, you wouldn't know they're there. I also got a long sleeved top, a head band/ear warmer thingy like a buff but not a buff, and some gloves. I suspect I will need some extra bits as time goes by, but that's a whole lot better than my usual, summer running gear.

Spooky track on my long run

Last week I did my long run on the Saturday afternoon instead of on Sunday morning like usual, and I was really upset because it was a hard slog. I called my husband Larry after 1.5 miles, almost in tears, needing him to tell me to pull myself together and just run. It was one of those days where my body seemed to think it needed regular walking stops, and my legs felt like they were wading through treacle. A far cry from the feeling of flying I'd had the previous week. As I went round I tried to analyse why it was such a struggle that day. As it turns out I was coming down with a throat infection, and I'd pushed myself hard training the previous week, and maybe that was just a bit too much for my body on the day. I forced myself round 11 miles but it was sheer willpower and stubbornness that kept my feet going.

Looks like the set from The Walking Dead!

I didn't feel amazing when I got home from that run. I didn't feel my usual euphoria. No, I started worrying again....will I make the Great South Run on the 26th? Am I hugely overestimating my ability and really I should just stick to running for the bus and let proper runners do big races? My depressed head would love me to give up, but I have a lot of people supporting me and some people have kindly sponsored me, and I will not let those people down by giving in to the negative voice in my head that plagues most runners.

So to try and buck my mood and confidence up I've spent the last couple of days concentrating on fundraising ideas. I've just ordered a load of flyers that I intend to stick in Christmas cards and the like. I don't want people to feel like they need to finance my hobby, but I really appreciate those who care enough to support such a worthwhile charity as Mind whilst supporting me at the same time. My next job is to organise a kick ass raffle for around Christmas time which my children's nursery are going to help me oversee. I'm really so grateful to everyone who supports me during this journey, I'm lucky to have supportive family who are prepared to watch the children so I can train and/or fundraise, and incredibly lucky to have a husband who appreciates the commitment a marathon entails, and is also prepared to rub out my sore muscles after a run even when I'm shrieking from the pain!

Good days, bad days

I still don't think I've come back down to earth since finding out last Wednesday that I'll be running the VLM next April. It's taken excitement to a whole new level! The other night my husband and I settled down to watch 28 Days Later, and this time I watched it with different eyes. Rather than just enjoying the film, I couldn't help but think, "ooh I'll be running over that bridge", and imagining myself running through the London streets that feature during the earlier part of the film. Thankfully no "infected" people will be chasing me as I run, though I'd imagine that would certainly shave some time off my finishing time if there were!

Empty streets of London as depicted in 28 Days Later

The lovely events team at Mind sent me a link to "SamCam". A lady called Samantha ran the VLM for Mind this year, and she had a camera attached to her as she ran, giving a fantastic insight into what it's like to run the marathon. The link to the footage can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXN-0Bkd77s

It completely captures the feeling of this amazing marathon, and I can't watch it without getting a lump in my throat and prickles in my eyes as I, too, will be involved in this amazing event. 

Friday was my short run day before I did body balance, and, to be honest, it wasn't my best run ever. I did 5k, but it was so start-stop, and felt so inconsistent that I felt thoroughly disheartened afterwards. I hate bad runs, they have the power to rip apart your confidence and make you begin to question what you are actually doing. But as a good friend once told me, a good run usually follows a bad one, and they were so right because yesterday I stormed an amazing 12 miles. From the moment I left my walking warm up and started running I knew it was going to be a good run. I felt strong, my breathing was steady, and it just all came together. The best bit was that I didn't get my usual blisters, so the Compeed blister stick really seems to have worked. I'll certainly be using it again. 

It's now less than 3 weeks til the Great South Run, so I'm at the peak of my training for that, then afterwards I plan to work on my running base before beginning to increase distance. 

London Marathon 2015: I'm in!

Yesterday I got the best email, telling me that I have a place to run the London Marathon 2015 with the charity Mind. To read the words on that email was a complete eureka moment. I had to reread it several times to make sure I'd read it properly, then I called my husband and shrieked down the phone at him. I still can't believe I've got the good fortune to have one of those highly-coveted places, and to run for such an amazing charity so close to my heart is a massive privilege. 

Mind is a charity which supports anyone suffering from a mental health problem. So many people suffer from mental health issues in one way or another these days, but there is still so much stigma surrounding the subject. We've all heard the euphemisms "bonkers", "off their trolley", "barking mad" and some other less tasteful ones, but would anyone speak so derogatorily to someone with, say, cancer or heart disease? No, they would not. So why is it acceptable to marginalise those with mental illnesses but not those with physical illnesses? This is where Mind come in. They work to make sure that people with mental health problems get support and respect, and aim to spread awareness and remove the social stigma attached to such illnesses. 

Most people who know me know that I have struggled with depression and anorexia for much of my life. I am now at an ok state. I'm functional. My depression is mostly controlled by medication, and I eat to survive, which is good enough for me. I have good days and bad days, and a whole lot of ok days, but on the whole I can get by. I am fortunate in that I am supported by a loving husband and family and friends, and my three beautiful children can make the most miserable of us break out a smile. 

I started running at the end of last year as part of a body attack class at the gym. The first time I had to do it I was worried; my body wasn't what it once was after having 3 children in 3 years and we all know about the importance of good pelvic floors! But just running around the studio during the running track made me wonder what it would be like to pop on a treadmill and have a bit of a better run. So on 31st January 2014, whilst at Eden Hall day spa, I jumped on the treadmill and ran 1km. It felt great! Over the ensuing weeks I slowly built my distance up until I hit 5km, at which point I started running outside. That felt so good I decided to enter the Race For Life, and for the sheer challenge of it I entered the 10k race.

Me at the end of the 10k R4L with my son

Doing the Race For Life changed something in the way I viewed running. Whereas before it had been a matter of train hard enough to do the race then go back to my usual training, I realised I really enjoyed it and wanted to capitalise on what I'd achieved so far. So I signed up with Mind to run the Great South Run, and my relationship with this great charity and with racing as opposed to just running began. Since then I have started my own kind of training regime, and do my long runs every Sunday morning, something I am grateful to my husband for because he looks after the children allowing me this time and space. The rest of the week I do a mixture of cross training, strength training, short runs and intervals. It is important to me right now that, although I'm obviously very excited about running VLM, not to let it detract from the great honour of running the Great South Run. 

I intend to use this blog to keep people up to date with my training until the big day, and hopefully raise a bit of awareness for Mind at the same time.