Happy New Year!

New Year has always seemed an odd time of year to me. As a child I imagined that everyone spent the whole evening drinking and making merry, and as Big Ben bonged in the new year everyone was united in hugs and kisses, and singing Auld Lang Syne. As an adult I realise that unless you know people throwing a party it's pretty much another night, except you stay up to midnight watching the paltry offerings on TV, see in the new year then fall in to bed ready to start anew in the morning. But much as the festivity of New Year is lost on me, I'm a big fan on the "fresh slate" aspect to it. The ability to turn over a fresh page and make resolutions to try and better yourself for the next year seems more meaningful at the start of January than at any other time in the year.

From my list last NYE

Last December 31st I, like millions of other people, made some resolutions. But for the first time in my life I actually kept every one of them! I'm so proud of myself for this! Last year's resolutions were this:
1. to run 5k
2. to be able to do a pull up on a bar
3. to do a one-armed press up

I wanted to do the 5k because I wanted to do Race For Life for my mother-in-law and friend who have both battled breast cancer recently, and it was a good way of honouring them and what they had been through to get into remission. I ended up signing up for the 10k Race For Life instead, and so launched myself on a crazy path to the point where I would now call myself a runner.

The pull up and one-armed press up happened at some point during the year, but then my runner's body with strong lower half and puny upper half began to evolve and I managed them no more. But hey, I did them, I felt like GI Jane for a bit so all is good!

So, resolutions for 2015:
1. to run a full marathon in a time that I am happy with
2. to be happy in my own skin
3. to live positively and inspire positivity in others
4. to re-begin my medical training

I am both terrified and excited about the prospect of running VLM next April. In fact my racing calender has 5 official races on it so far, and a whole load more informal runs and virtual races planned. I will be working with TT on a weekly basis to hopefully help me become a better, more efficient runner, whilst tackling the huge self-doubt that chips away at me when I'm out running. Some days on a run I feel like I'm wading through treacle and that little voice whispers things like "you're tired aren't you, you can't do this, stop now and go home". Days like that I feel are wasted training sessions, but I'm having more of the other type these days where I feel like my legs are flying, long and strong, covering miles with each stride. And yes, I probably have the goofiest grin on my face during this kind of run because it feels so fantastic, but hell, I love running and I love good runs even more.  

Beautiful Wollaton Park

My advent streak was abruptly stopped on 20th December when I befell a very nasty dose of tonsillitis and was absolutely floored for a few days. My lovely running friends and even TT continued my streak for me so I got to Christmas Eve and hit my total of 100 miles which I was thrilled about. On the 28th I went out to the above Wollaton Park for my first run since being ill, and it was so exhilarating. First I got wolf-whistled and hooted on the way to the park by two lads in a van which is always a confidence booster, then the mixture of running, teetering over ice, squelching through mud and high-kneed runs over the deep snow on long grass was just the best. Even getting lost and struggling to find the small gate out of the park minutes before it was locked up for the night didn't spoil the experience. That was running at it's best.

So, as I reflect on my year, I am so grateful for what I have gained this year. I called this blog "Dream the Impossible" because this time a year ago I was reasonably fit, but couldn't run for more than a minute tops. I envied other runners, their endurance and stamina and wished my body was capable of doing that. I'd watch the London Marathon on TV each year and stare in wonderment at all the athletes. Next year that'll be me amongst the throng of runners! I'm not sure the reality of that has fully hit me yet to be honest. It's just too amazing. Plus I'll be running a half marathon around Silverstone, going through the pits and everything. Years ago when I was bedbound with M.E. I'd watch Formula 1 and imagine what it'd be like to be there. Soon I'll be on a backstage tour! None of this would be possible without running, and running wouldn't be possible without my husband who supports me and looks after the children so I can pound the pavements, my friends and family who are like cheerleaders, the RMR ladies, the NWR ladies who are always happy to accompany me on runs, and finally TT who is always ready to beat sense into me when negativity creeps in. I thank you all a thousand times over, and ask you to keep being awesome next year because you are like the scaffolding that enables me to do amazing things. Much love to you all.

And finally, I leave you with a visual representation of what I have achieved this year. Happy New Year to you all.

Beautiful, beautiful bling

From black dogs to puppies

My last post was about battling the black dog. Well, I have a much nicer dog post to talk about today, and that is this little fellow:

Barney

Meet Barney. This little guy is coming home to live with us in January. He is a golden doodle (think of a retriever with a perm!) and will eventually become a running buddy for me when he is old enough. A lot of people have said "a puppy AND 3 children...are you crazy?!!" but I'm guessing that it takes a special kind of crazy to run a marathon, and I love dogs and miss having one in my life. It'll be a very good incentive to get up and out of bed in the mornings to go for a run; you can't turn a dog off like you can an alarm clock! 

On a training front I had a tough run yesterday as I felt rough and kept needing the loo, but it turned out I had a temperature and tummy bug so I'm not being too hard on myself. I absolutely smashed my previous sub 30 minute 5k last Wednesday by getting a sub 28 minute one. I'm getting faster! I have my sights set on a sub 25 minute 5k, but I'll probably need to work on that. That said, I have a session coming up with TT and I don't know what he's doing but it's definitely making me a more efficient runner, so maybe that'll knock another minute off my time.

I think the biggest thing I can take from this past week is that just as you have absolutely awesome runs, you also have totally rubbish runs, but not to dwell on the bad ones, rather remember the good ones and always stay positive. 

Battling the black dog

It's been a while since my last post. I suppose that's a reflection of how the rest of my life has been recently: low key and under the radar. Things have been a struggle and while I've kept my training up, I suspect that is more a statement about how stubborn I am rather than anything else. I have always been open about the reasons why I decided to run for Mind; I have a personal history of depression and eating disorders, and I wanted to represent a charity that could help other people suffering in that way.

The black dog of depression is a friend of anorexia

Since the birth of my daughter at Christmas 2012 I have never felt quite right. I had post natal depression, and despite various different antidepressants, I've never felt like "me" since. I might be ok for a while, but soon enough the black dog started sneaking back up on me and my mood crashed again. Every time I run I'm followed by the black dog. Sometimes I manage to outrun it and I lose it temporarily, and those times are amazing. Other times I set out and it hangs to my ankles, holding me back and making me doubt my ability as a runner. These past few months though I've allowed myself to be distracted from the black dog by being seduced back into anorexia. Now I am in a continual tug-of-war between needing to restrict food to feel better, and needing to eat a bit so I'm fuelled for a run. Some days I get it wrong and end up almost keeling over during a training session, other days I eat enough and achieve amazing feats such as the 13.1 mile run I managed two weekends ago.

I'm lucky this time around to have an amazing husband and close family support, and to have been referred back to my old therapist. Before when I was very poorly I had no incentive as powerful as running the London Marathon to keep me from slipping too far down. My training is so much more important to me now than it's ever been before. It means everything to be able to maintain the gruelling training regime that TT has set, because when I start the VLM I want to be strong and confident, and able to cover those 26.2 miles with comfort and a smile on my face. I will get over this relapse and get back on track, because I want to raise a whole load of money for Mind, so people who don't have family and friends to support them through emotional illness have somewhere to turn to for support. It's weird because people that I wouldn't have thought would be that supportive have been amazing to me, and others that I considered good friends have dropped by the wayside, unable to understand why someone can be so unhappy they can't bring themselves to eat.

So to all my lovely friends who read my ramblings, please please get behind me and show me your support by sponsoring me. I WILL complete the London Marathon, but I could use a cheering squad to get me there. Thank you.

www.justgiving.com/jennyhiggs