Recovery

It's been a while since I updated, and for once I feel less in limbo and more like being on a train that is slowly pulling away having been sat at the station for a very long time.
3 weeks ago I was discharged from hospital. It was my 7th admission in 4 months, and I'm hoping it will be my last. While in there I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, which has messed with my head somewhat for reasons I'll explain later, but it confirmed to me that I am so utterly sick of hospitals, and having needles stuck in me and IVs pumped through me, and everything that being in hospital entails. And as I lay in bed one night, whilst a dying patient was brought into the side room of my ward so their family could say goodbye in private, I thought, I can't do that to my family. I couldn't bear for Larry and my children to be clustering around me to say goodbye. So enough's enough, it's time to change the record.

Slowly slowly I'm letting go. Although my food intake hasn't really changed, my mindset has. In the past 3 weeks I've restarted personal training, I've made a few pitifully short but amazing runs, and I've started going to some of my old gym classes. In body pump my weights are much much lighter, I need frequent breaks in PT sessions, and I often come home and sleep for the rest of the day from the effort, but it's a start and I'll take that over being moribund any day. I feel hideously fat most of the time despite getting smaller not bigger, but maybe I always will. Maybe I'll always despise myself, maybe one day I'll learn to like myself, but at least I'll be alive to watch my children grow up.

The thyroid issue is one that has rattled me a lot. I refused to take carbimazole at first because my theory was, if I was struggling to lose weight when heavily restricting and my thyroid was working overtime, why the hell should I slow my thyroid down and risk gaining a load of weight in the process. My ED consultant said I'd probably only start taking the meds when not doing so interfered with my running, and boy was he right! My first attempt at running sent my heart rate over 200, from a resting heart rate of 120, and it was at that point I could see the benefits of taking medication! Sometimes being so stubborn is a hindrance rather than a help!

I am so blessed with having so many wonderful friends who are like scaffolding, holding me up until I can manage alone. Sadly, not everyone is nice and kind. I received the following at the beginning of February:

The police dealing with my case called the writer deranged, and clearly someone who doesn't know me or my family at all well. Friends have said they are sick and evil, I'm just glad to see there is someone out there who is WAY more messed up than me! The police are aware of who the sender is, and if there are any more letters like that I will press charges and let the law have them. But it is sad, that someone whom I considered a friend could do something so despicable, yet not even have the courage of their convictions to sign their name. And really, if I'm going to get a poison pen letter, I'm kind of disappointed they didn't bother to cut out letter from newspapers...! I am not ashamed of having mental illness, and I'm certainly not going to hide it away like a dirty secret. I am an advocate of the charity Mind, and that has given me the confidence to speak freely. Besides, pretty much everyone who knows me knows what's going on, unless they're living on a different planet!

But for now, I'm taking it one day at a time. Trying to be patient and allow my mind and body to heal so I can achieve what I want to achieve, rather than trying to get there straight away. Slowly, slowly catchy monkey. It'll be worth it all in the end.