Battling the black dog

It's been a while since my last post. I suppose that's a reflection of how the rest of my life has been recently: low key and under the radar. Things have been a struggle and while I've kept my training up, I suspect that is more a statement about how stubborn I am rather than anything else. I have always been open about the reasons why I decided to run for Mind; I have a personal history of depression and eating disorders, and I wanted to represent a charity that could help other people suffering in that way.

The black dog of depression is a friend of anorexia

Since the birth of my daughter at Christmas 2012 I have never felt quite right. I had post natal depression, and despite various different antidepressants, I've never felt like "me" since. I might be ok for a while, but soon enough the black dog started sneaking back up on me and my mood crashed again. Every time I run I'm followed by the black dog. Sometimes I manage to outrun it and I lose it temporarily, and those times are amazing. Other times I set out and it hangs to my ankles, holding me back and making me doubt my ability as a runner. These past few months though I've allowed myself to be distracted from the black dog by being seduced back into anorexia. Now I am in a continual tug-of-war between needing to restrict food to feel better, and needing to eat a bit so I'm fuelled for a run. Some days I get it wrong and end up almost keeling over during a training session, other days I eat enough and achieve amazing feats such as the 13.1 mile run I managed two weekends ago.

I'm lucky this time around to have an amazing husband and close family support, and to have been referred back to my old therapist. Before when I was very poorly I had no incentive as powerful as running the London Marathon to keep me from slipping too far down. My training is so much more important to me now than it's ever been before. It means everything to be able to maintain the gruelling training regime that TT has set, because when I start the VLM I want to be strong and confident, and able to cover those 26.2 miles with comfort and a smile on my face. I will get over this relapse and get back on track, because I want to raise a whole load of money for Mind, so people who don't have family and friends to support them through emotional illness have somewhere to turn to for support. It's weird because people that I wouldn't have thought would be that supportive have been amazing to me, and others that I considered good friends have dropped by the wayside, unable to understand why someone can be so unhappy they can't bring themselves to eat.

So to all my lovely friends who read my ramblings, please please get behind me and show me your support by sponsoring me. I WILL complete the London Marathon, but I could use a cheering squad to get me there. Thank you.

www.justgiving.com/jennyhiggs